Turn of the Season

Summer should still be in full swing. After all, we still have more than a month of it left (if only by a couple of days). However, don't we all feel on some level that Fall begins so much earlier in reality than it does on the calendar?

For me, there are indicators that trigger in me a deep and abiding desire for Fall. Stores get the back to school displays up, full of unsharpened pencils, uncapped pens, reams of blank notebooks, all fresh and waiting for the eager new scholars. grocery stores (and for my family only Acme carries the right kind) have towering displays of orange cookie boxes, all full of spiced wafers, redolent with fall spices and scents. Orchards and farm stand feature abundant displays of apples, pumpkins, corn stalks, and the like. Evenings get that flirty taste of cooler weather, and suddenly we no longer feel like we are going to burst into flame as we exit our homes. The summer season gets tired, faded, overblown and has overstayed its welcome.

Suddenly, I find I am tired of swimming, short sleeves, cold meals, and the scent of the ground baking in the hot sun. I am longing for blankets on the bed, crickets slowly chirping in the chilly night, fires in the fireplace, big pots of warm soup, candles scented with maple and cinnamon. I dream of putting away the summer decorations and adorning my home with fire-colored leaves, sunflowers, nuts, and frosted grapes. I want mugs of steaming cider, glasses of smokey scotch, warm flannel nightgowns, and thick cozy socks.

August is drifting away, September is looming before me. Only 14 days to the Arden Fair, a true indicator that things of Summer are ready to be put away, and Fall is ready to take the stage. I am ready to crack open those clean notebook pages, sharpen the pencils and get to the business of colder weather, home and hearth. The lazy days of summer are wearing on me, I am ready for the industry of harvest, the preparation for the cold days of winter. It is time to shake the sand from my toes, don my shoes and shuffle through crackling leaves.

I feel the turn of the season, even though when I walk outside it is unarguably still summer weather. I still plan the last minute trips to the beach, trying to bank up as much sun as I can. And yet, in my heart of hearts I am already longing for the change. I am ready to cozy down into my nest for the next phase of the year. Summer has been fun, longed for in the misery of last Winter, reveled over and enjoyed, but its time is over.

Funny, how it works that I am so ready for the next season. Fall will go so swiftly with its apple picking, Halloween preparations, Thanksgiving, leaf raking, bonfires, and hayrides. Will I be as ready for Winter?

Quiet Midnight

Here I sit, just after midnight. The house is quiet, all are asleep, except for me. For the last few nights I have found it impossible to fall asleep easily. So, here I sit.

There is a peace to the house this time of day. It feels good to know that those nearest and dearest to my heart are not far away, and are at peace themselves. The house has a feel to it, full but quiet that soothes me. While I would love to be slumbering away in my room, there is a pleasure to tapping away at my computer at the kitchen counter too.

I can remember how my mother would wake up long before the sun each day. I never understood why she would do it, when it only meant a nap in the afternoon and an early bedtime. Yet, each morning she would get up long before anyone else, make a pot of coffee, and read the paper. These nights give me a little insight into why those mornings were so needed for her. I can imagine the peace of the house, the way the sun would slowly brighten the sky, how the peace would be broken by our waking and the day beginning in earnest.

There is a little selfishness in my insomnia. While there are times when I find it a burden, and I fight it, there are times when it is an unique gift. When my days are filled with child, husband, house, family, church, village, bills, errands, cleaning, meals, and all the static of daily life, what a luxury to have a few quiet hours to myself. The knowledge that until it is time for me to go to bed I have nobody to please but myself is beyond value. Insomnia, my indulgence, my curse.

I think I may be ready to sleep now, morning comes so early. I have had my quiet moment of reflection, now I want to sleep. Tonight, will insomnia be my co-conspirator, or my foe? Only the dawn will tell......

Summertime

Ah Summer, the season of vacations, sun, sand, heat, humidity, loose schedules, and lingering days. In June it seemed to stretch before me, a long vista of peace. Now, I am too far into this game to believe that perception and I knew how fast it would go. However, each year I swear time speeds up and the wheel of the year is spinning out of control. This year is proving to be no different.

June slipped by so quickly I couldn't believe it when ACRA began at the end of the month. The simple act of going to ACRA each day made time speed up considerably and before I could blink, it was the end of July and the end of ACRA for this year.

Now, the last week of July is melting away and August yawns before me. I know that summer will slip through my fingers just like dry sand. I will frantically try to hold on to it, to fit as much as I can in my hands, only to have it disappear in the wind. I have so many things I want to do, so many places on my list to get to, so much more fun to fit in, but August is so painfully short.

Add to this the gaping of the coming school year (something I haven't truly dealt with before) and I have no idea how I am going to make August less of a swirl. I guess I just have to do my best, fill my hands with the fleeting moments and hang on for dear life.

In closing..... Dear Arden Fair (which always marks the end of Summer in our house), you could take your sweet time getting here. Enjoy your journey through August and let me do the same. Bliss out as the days continue to shorten (sob), and let the "lazy" happen in August as it did not happen in June and July. As much as I look forward to your arrival, I could truly do with a little extra Summer this year, how about you?

Flashbacks

This is my season for flashbacks. We are in our second week of ACRA and each year I have brought Connor, my experiences at ACRA all come flowing back.

Let's start by explaining ACRA, which stands for Arden Communmity Recreation Association. I live in one of the Ardens, and this group plans gatherings and parties throughout the year for community members to participate in. The big even each year is the 5 week summer camp which meets at he Buzz Ware Village Center, former home of the Arden School. This building and program has been a part of my life for more years than I care to admit.

I went to ACRA when I was little, sometimes loving it, sometimes hating it, overall remembering it with fondness and appreciation that it was a part of my growing up years. I count it among the things that helped me to survive and thrive in a none to healthy family environment. ACRA gave me a place to be myself, a place to connect with my peers and their families, and a place that was safe and encouraging. My mother never understood my love of theater, ACRA reveled in it. I confused my family with my hippy leanings, ACRA found it normal.

When I had Connor, I could hardly wait to share ACRA with him. I imagined all the fun he would have, al the good memories he would make. I looked forward to watching him make those neighborhood connections that could last the rest of his life. Little did I know that Connor would not necessarily have an easy transition to ACRA.

Yep, my little monkey doesn't want to stay here without me. I have worked and worked on this and it just doesn't change. So I attend ACRA with him. The first year I never left the classroom, the second I graduated to sitting outside, which is what I am doing on this, his third year. It's slightly a drag, but it does allow for wonderful moments.

I love sitting on my picnic blanket watching the kids file in to ACRA. It could be the 1970s and all my friends are walking by, restored to youth. The images are timeless- long, lean bodies, chlorine bleached and still wet from swim team, towels slung around necks, barefeet, bikes, and smiling faces. The building fills with their voices, calling to each other, talking about the same crazy things we talked about (though peppered with more modern pop culture references of course). There are kids on the playground, playing Capture the Flag, swinging on the swings, climbing to the top of the jungle gym, and leaping the concrete pipes- all the things we all loved to do at their age. Best of all is when a gang of girls gather to lounge in the warm sun on top of the concrete pipes- it could so easily be me, Kirsten, Michelle, Annie.....

ACRA is a grand thing and I am so glad it is here for my son, like it was here for me. I hope it is here for my grandchildren and on down the generations as long as the Ardens are here, I hope there is ACRA so that we can all have these flashback moments.

Dumb Glands

So, here is the latest and seemingly final word on my adventures in hypothyroidism.

Last week, Drew and I went to see my surgeon to get the results of the follow-up ultrasound I had a few weeks back. The news isn't great. Poor guy, he was so careful in the delivery I have a vague idea that it might be worse than told....

So, in short the thought is that I should have not half the thyroid removed, but the entire thyroid removed. Why? Well, that nodule on the right side of my thyroid, the one they did the inconclusive needle biopsy on turns out to have indications of follicular cancer. Crap.

Why the whole thyroid and not just the right side?? Well, to begin with, I am not a fan of half removal with a return trip when/if they find cancer. Thanks very much but if I am already sedated and have re-arranged my life for a week I would prefer to just have it done and over with. Also, I am just not a big fan of carrying a potential time bomb around in my neck. Course, it didn't feel too great when the surgeon who had suggested lobe removal was now just fine with taking the whole thing out- turns out there are small nodules on the left side that indicate follicular cancer too.

So there it is, bald and to the point. Indicators are that this could be cancerous and to be safe it should be removed. I won't know until it is out what the verdict is. Super awesome and fantastic news..... I have to wait until next year.

Why next year??? Well, health care being what it is today, we would be financially better off to wait until January to have this done so that when we meet our deductible threshold any follow-up care will be covered at 100% instead of 20%.

So, in the meantime, I will have another ultrasound in October and if all is well, I will go until 2011 until the surgery is scheduled.

Sorry to be so lacking in sensitivity when delivering this, but I admit to being pretty freaked out and pissed off. I mean, thyroid cancer is the one to get if you get one (yeah I might have won the cancer lottery), and there is still an 80% chance that this is nothing, but at the end of the day I have to be sedated and have my thyroid removed.

Next post will talk about my ongoing struggle to get my meds regulated so that I don't feel hot and miserable every time I leave the air conditioning and will make the screaming nasty voice in my head be quiet.

God help me, but I am beginning to understand why my mother drank. If she felt like this half the time, it makes perfect sense that she drank to make the voices be quiet.

Don't freak- I'm a bitchy fighter and I will be fine. In the meantime, send a positive thought to the Universe for me and for my little family cause we are all hurting.

Static

I have these blog posts running around in my head. Several topics have presented themselves and I have been cogitating on them at odd times. Of course never when I have an extended time in front of the computer.

For those times I have gotten in front of the computer this weekend I am either in a hurry or surrounded by what I call "static." Neither are condusive to writing on my blog.

What is static you ask? Well it takes several forms, all quite familiar to mommies everywhere. Here is a brief, but not complete list:

1. Connor. As a parent of a child can tell you, children are capable of putting out a signal-jamming amount of static that the government should be researching for use in warfare. Who needs to electronically stop radio transmissions, just assign a child to each radio wave and let them work their magic. Connor is capable of near constant discussion on a variety of subject both weighty and flighty. All designed to render me incapable of stringing coherent thought that is not directly related to responding to his impossible. Connor is (as all children are) the ultimate static.

2. The ongoing to do list. This is a good one for parents, homeowners, and job-holders alike. In my head there is a running list of chores, errands, bills, projects, and goals that can raise a cacophony in my head the likes of which is impossible to get beyond. I am telling you that a 100 member brass band could not do more to make thought difficult.

3. Obligations- we all have them. Work, church, home, neighborhood, school, family- the list goes on and on. Just thinking of all that needs to be done, all that needs to be watched or handled is enough to render me a drooling mess.

4. Fantasy life- come on, you know this one. This is the static that drags you down while you think of winning the lottery, taking a dream vacation (or any vacation), retiring with no worries, health, wealth, and well being. Sigh...... I could get bogged down here for a long time, how about you.

Static is a constant in life. Don't we all need a break now and then? How do we get it? Where do we find it? How much do we need that break?

In the meantime..... these blog posts are still wandering around in my head, waiting for a moment to make it to the blog- my static reducing indulgence.

Holy Places

Summer has come to my church. After many months of teaching and dedicated attendance, the Summer stretches before me with no obligations at church. It is a feeling I am still adjusting to, after 7 years of membership.

We first signed the membership book at First U in October of 2003. Our first year of attendance was intense, we took classes, we volunteered for a committee, and we generally immersed ourselves in our new church home. Shortly after we joined, we were pregnant with our second son (just seven months after the death of our first son, Liam). To say it was an intense year is putting it lightly.

Then came June. We had never been to a church that so definitively "closed" for the summer. Oh, services happened, but there was only one, and they were arranged differently. That June, at our first Flower Communion Service (how moving a service), our then Associate Minister exhorted us to go out from the church to "find our holy places" and return restored for the Fall. It was a revelation to say the least.

We took her at her word and left to have our Summer. The most holy space we found came in July, when our second son arrived, healthy and hale. His first baptism were the tears we all shed (delivering doctor included) over his screams of indignation at being forced from his nice warm nest inside mommy. July and August sped by in a blur of happiness, sleeplessness, and confusion.

When September came and Ingathering was upon us, we joyfully re-entered the church as three instead of two. We even had our family portrait taken for his baby book, to commemorate the moment he became a part of this amazing community. We had him dedicated shortly after that.

Since then, we have never really gotten out of the habit of going out in the Summer and "looking for our holy places." June - August has become a time of lazy Sunday mornings, occasional brunches, and family time. I miss my church family, but there is a freedom in each Sunday morning knowing that I have nobody to worry about but my little family.

So, tomorrow is the Flower Communion, and I find that I will be missing one of the services I like the best. Instead of rushing off to services, we will be gathering ourselves to head for my mother-in-law's house to help get her gardens set for the summer. Dirt, flowers, sunshine and family- one of those holy places I look for.

This year, I will get to church a few times before Ingathering in September. Seriously, I will. I promise I won't look up to find that it is August and we haven't been there since May. I will find my holy places, and I will visit my church home and soak in the peace I find there as well. In the meantime, lazy mornings, pancakes, and family are calling.

Go out and find your holy places- dig your toes in the sand, lift your face to the sun, close your eyes and let the sounds wash over you... enjoy Summer.