Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Waking Up

It's been nearly a year since my thyroid surgery. My neck is healed and I am repeatedly told it is barely noticeable, though I still see it very clearly and vividly. I think my meds are pretty good, though maybe not perfectly adjusted. It has been a long and dismal year (let's be honest 2 years) and at long last I am beginning to feel like I am waking up.

For so much of the last 12 - 18 months I slogged through life. I dealt with details, arrangements, schedules, and necessities. I cooked meals, ran errands, paid bills, organized gatherings, dealt with crises. The one thing I did very little of was live and wake. It was like I was a sleepwalker, or someone just one step out of phase with the world around me. I was adrift, and carried along with the tide of daily life.

I have a long way to go, there are still lingering hurts and conflicts to resolve. Even so, each day I feel more like I have an inner life again, like I am thinking again and not just operating.

In this season, in which we are connecting with those we love, whether dead or alive, near or far, I am going to make the effort to come fully back to the life of the living and awake.

I miss me. Wonder if anyone else has noticed?

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